I’ve been living day to day for the past few weeks, months really. Not in a “I hope I don’t wake up tomorrow”, kind of way. More so in a “Today was nearly unbearable, I’m not sure how I can trudge through yet another day, when it has the possibility of being even harder”.
There’s a lot of things in my day to day life, this world and the ever expansive universe that I simply do not, and probably never will understand. For example, will I ever learn how to bake without consulting a higher power to please not let it take a turn for the worse? How does one begin to understand the motives of others, aside from it being a projection of their own unhealed traumas and pain? And finally, (on a lighter note), do ducks know they have orange feet, and are they aware of the phrase “like water off a duck’s back”?
These questions, along with millions more, are constantly circling my brain like a drain….but the drain doesn’t have a “drain”, so maybe it’s more like a whirlpool…? Anyways, as humans, we were “blessed” with having a conscience inserted into our brains, therefore, we never stop thinking, questioning, reflecting, pondering, contemplating, overthinking, sit in puzzlement, and so on. This conscience, as I have recently learned (the hard way), that it can sometimes go from a low buzz of activity in the back corner of your brain, to overtaking any thinking ability, and basically being as deafening as a firetruck in your garage, with the door closed of course.
I found myself recently in a constant mental pirouette of worst case scenarios, paranoia, self hatred, loneliness, and overall unhappiness. Now, I am not a religious individual, nor a spiritual one, but there has definitely been a shift internally as of late, regarding how see the world, and the (possible) reasoning behind everything that happens. Going off of that thought, I do believe, with every fiber in my being, that regardless of what I am going through, and have been for the last few months, I’m making progress and moving forward into the next installment of my life.
Healing is not linear.
Go back and read that line again, really let it sink in and simmer in your conscience for a few moments. I’ll go make some peppermint tea and be back in a few.
Did you read it again? Did you at least allow yourself to believe it for a few moments, even if you completely disagree?
Healing. It is a beast of a word, thought, feeling, emotion, physical process, external and internal procedure, and undertaking. While it can be really hard, awful, painful, uncomfortable and frankly *awful* at times, it is the most important decision you will ever make.
Let’s start at the beginning: In order for healing to occur, there must first be a reason for healing. This could be a cut on your hand from chopping vegetables too quickly with your new, and VERY sharp knives (calling myself out on this one), or it could even be an area of land or an ecosystem repairing after a traumatic fire or an extreme meteorological event. But, in this case, we are going to hone in specifically on internal healing. Regardless of what needs healing, once you have recognized and acknowledged it, the next part is where a lot of people decide to cease action.
Making the conscious agreement with yourself, verbalizing, or even writing down your decision to proceed with working through whatever you feel necessary, is not sealing your fate. This is you, consulting yourself about what/who/where, etc., you wish to heal from, because you recognize the importance. Not many individuals can even admit to needing help, resolving their own internal darkness, or even dipping their toes into the meaning of their own existence, and these are most often the ones inflicting the most trauma onto others. In an ideal world, we have the decency and lack of toxic egos to admit that we all have flaws, and even if we are living some angelic/dewy skinned/running through a field of flowers/zoloft commercial style life, we can always benefit from admitting we aren’t perfect, we are human after all.
Taking action is the tricky part. Because, as I stated earlier, healing is not linear. A little bit ago, I went through what I thought was a healing process in the span of about 9 days. The process went something like this: screaming in my car, sobbing my eyes out every night, not eating/stress eating, 2-3 hours of daily cardio – it then shifted to me journaling, limiting social media, more water, eating clean(er), etc.
Turns out, this was not healing. This was me thinking I could shove YEARS worth of emotions, into a week of fast paced lifestyle changes. The grieving process is directly intertwined into the healing process, something I didn’t recognize until my therapist basically told me that I wasn’t allowing myself to work through the grief in the time that my body, mind and heart needed to. The fact that I am already a fairly emotional person, and then trying to process everything, as well as heal and grieve everything that has been happening in the past few months, put me in the ultimate chokehold.
Recognizing that I was at a low point was not only emotionally draining, but frustrating as well, because in my mind, I stupidly had been telling myself that the more time that passes, the happier I will be. I felt like an idiot for still feeling emotions, having bad days linked to said feelings, and ultimately felt like I had made zero progress in any way, almost as if I was back at square one all over again.
But then I cracked open my journal, and flipped back to the initial breaking point, and the start of my own healing. It was as if I was reading my best friends journal, or hear someone you love dearly talk about how much emotional pain and distress they’re in. It sounds corny, and I know it isn’t some unique story or one of a kind story, but that was an important moment for me in all of this. I don’t allow myself to recognize progress I’ve made in any aspect of my life, I merely keep feeding off of the thought of “It’s not good enough, you need to be working 10x harder before you can be proud of yourself”. Yes, this is unhealthy, trust me I know, but it ties back to healing, because I haven’t allowed myself to stop and look around at the beautiful changes I made in my life, and how I’ve grown from every moment of my life, good or bad.
Once you take action in your healing, you will be engrossed in growing pains most likely, but this is for the best trust me! Reevaluating your life, or on a smaller scale, some changes you can make to help jump start this process, or even make your existence more seamless is a great starting point! Allow yourself room to go back to the drawing board and make changes, because once you start to tweak even the smallest parts of your life, lots of things will also start to shift, and at times may be a little overwhelming. None of this is science. I’m not a psychiatrist. I’m just a gal who’s been through the ringer, as we all have, and I just want to try my best to contribute to the well being of others, and encourage positivity while addressing mental health in some small way.
Just a few reminders:
- Healing is not linear
- Healing does not necessarily mean closure, so be prepared for that swift kick to the balls
- Grieving someone or something is a delicate and fragile process
- Let yourself feel. Let yourself have horrible days. Let yourself have beautiful days.
- Everyone is at a different point in their lives, healing or not, so just remember to be kind
- You’re a human being with emotions, no one has the authority to tell you how big or little to feel
- Setbacks are only temporary, they do not deduct from your growth
- Take a breath, trust the process, and be present in your own existence
None of this is easy, and there’s certainly no guidebook, so allow yourself to just trust the process, but do seek help from others (if you know they can be a healthy and stable resource).
On that note, I wish you all the best in whatever you’re working through, or planning to in the future. Also, have a lovely Valentine’s Day, and remember to love yourself extra that day; buy yourself some flowers, a coffee, or just be extra kind to yourself, because you are loved and very much so worthy of love ❤
-willow
love, willow 